So this is the end.

Monday

Taryn Watkins

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  16 January

  Justin Jones

  • Hi Taryn...I hope it doesn't weird you out by me messaging you on here I was hoping we might be able to chat sometime and hopefully get to know each other a bit and also I know your having your bday soon and was wondering if there was anything particular that you want? Hope to hear from you soon!!!:)
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  16 January

  Taryn Watkins

  • Hi!:)Actually there's nothing in piticular tht I want for my birthday. But its nice hearing from you
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  16 January

  Justin Jones

  • Its really great hearing from you too!!:) I'm so sorry it's taken so long!! How are you?
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  16 January

  Taryn Watkins

  • Its fine. But I'm doing fine. How are.you?
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  16 January

  Justin Jones

  • I'm doing great!! Thanks for asking!..so if you don't give me any ideas on what I can maybe get you for your bday is money cool!! I know it's not very sentimental but you would probably prefer to spend it on what you want anyways right!!:)

16 January

Taryn Watkins

• Money is good.:)
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  16 January

  Justin Jones

  • Lol yea money is always good!!:) Ok then! So how is school and everything going? Did you have the day off for Martin Luther king jr day? What grade are you in now?
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  16 January

  Taryn Watkins

  • Lol yep! School well I don't like some ppl at school but I play basketball and I'm in 6th grade and yes I was of for Martin Luther king Jr day I juss kinda chilled today
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  16 January

  Justin Jones

  • Chillin is always good though!!.. Boring sometimes but I love just chillin!! Basketball that's cool!!! Have you gotten to to any OKC thunder games yet?
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  16 January

  Taryn Watkins

  • yes it is and like a couple years ago i went to an okc game it was awesome
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  16 January

  Justin Jones

  • Yea they are tons of fun!!...
    I try to go whenever I get a chance.. Maybe one of these days we can go if you want:) so do you like school other than the people you don't like there?!?lol
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  16 January

  Taryn Watkins

  • that would be cool. and school is pretty good i love my teacher

16 January

Justin Jones

• Yea we'll do that sometime!!:) that's great that you like your teacher!!...well I know your mom had told you that I will becoming thru Duncan around the 26th of this month and I would love if maybe we could go and eat or something I would really love to meet you but I totally understand if you might want to wait!!:)

16 January

Taryn Watkins

• yeah that would be coool to go eat or somthing:)

16 January

Justin Jones

• Great well I'm looking forward to it!!:):) well I'm not real sure have a bed time or anything and I know you have to go to school tomorrow so I won't keep you up but it was really great talking with you and I hope we can keep it up!!

16 January

Taryn Watkins

• good talkin to you too!:) bye!:)

16 January

Justin Jones

• Bye taryn I'll talk to soon!!

16 January

Taryn Watkins

• ok. bye!

17 January

Justin Jones

• Just wanted to stop by and say hi:) hope you had a great day today:)

18 January

Taryn Watkins

• Thank you
  

  18 January

  Justin Jones

  • So sorry your not feeling good on your bday hopefully it's not to awful for you and you'll start feeling berthed soon!!:) I was going to send your gift but thought I might hopefully see you before it would get there hope that's ok
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  18 January

  Taryn Watkins

  • Thats fine thank you
• 
  

  18 January

  Justin Jones

  • Your welcome
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  19 January

  Justin Jones

  • Hope your feeling better Taryn!!:) and hope you had a great day today!! Did you have a good bday?
• 
  

  19 January

  Taryn Watkins

  • Thanks and yes

 

Monday

Taryn Watkins

• R.I.P ILL MISS YOU SORRY WE NEVER REALLY GOT TO KNOW EACHOTHER

So, this is the last days before Taryn's biological dad passed away.  She didn't know him well.  Met him once about 5 years ago, of course he saw her a few times when she was a baby.  She always wondered about him and always wanted to know him.  She was finally getting the opportunity to do so.  This whole situation just breaks my heart. 

The very early morning of Jan 22nd, Justin regretfully, got into a vehicle whose driver was drunk.  He had also been drinking.  I am sure there was a conversation about who was better off driving, because Justin became the passenger in his own vehicle.  The driver collided head on into another vehicle on an interstate in Texas.  The passenger in the other vehicle was okay, the driver suffered a broken leg, and it took paramedics almost two hours to cut Justin out of the passenger side of the vehicle.  When Justin was taken to the nearest emergency room, he was already dead.  They took him in to put him on the vent to save his organs because he was an organ donor, and they needed to wait for his next of kin to arrive from Arkansas to make all of the final decisions.  When his Mother arrived at his bedside, the line had already been drawn.  Justin had already made the decision.   Braindead.  No activity.  He got in the car with someone who was drunk.  They waited to pull the plug because he was an organ donor, and they had to wait for the harvest team to arrive to prepare his organs  to be harvested and donated.  Which is a beautiful thing. 

 

I can't understand this or make sense of it, I can only imagine that Taryn is confused and struggling as well.    How can someone just show up one week, and be gone the next?  How can a dream come true, and then be ripped out of a little girls hands?  Why? 

I made it through today.  Woke up to a text message from his mother that stated something along the lines of my anger, and his addiction.  Both are unacceptable, take care of the kids.  Blah blah blah.  I know that is her son, but do not give me advice when you have heard only one side of the story.....his side.  The side that is protecting his addiction6, the side that is minimizing reality....I cannot even begin to think what he is saying about me to his Mother in order to make himself look like he has no part in the whole equation. 

Today I googled Al-Anon meetings in Duncan.  There are none.  So I googled online Al-Anon meetings and there are several.  I think I am going to try to participate in some of those.  I am also going to make it a habit to go to The Simmons Center and do something rewarding for myself.  I am tired of my focus constantly being on this insanity.  I am as sick as he is, with his sickness.  I have to start taking some action that helps me to stay out of fear, and into faith.  His journey does not have to be mine.  I told myself today that I will no longer ask questions that I don't want the answer to, or that I already know the answer to.  I also told him that I didn't want to hear about his pill usage or his efforts in getting more.  If I see him in withdrawal, I will not help him unless I feel like medical attention is needed.  I just can't do it anymore. 

He has been passed out on the couch since 4pm.  There is a part of me that wants to wake him up and ask what he has taken, there is another part of me that is heartbroken that this is how my marriage is, and then there is a part of me that thinks....it doesn't matter anymore.  I have lost a lot of love and respect over the last year.   It's not that I don't love him, I just don't trust him anymore.  He tells me things I want to hear, and then before I know it, we are right back to where we started.  So I don't believe him anymore. 

Thank you for reading and responding, Amy.  It means a lot to me to hear your words of encouragement.  I have a feeling that the emotional rollercoaster has only just begun.  We'll see.

Why do I feel like this

I'm in a funk.  In a bad funk.  Pill addiction has emerged since I last blogged.  Not me.  Him.  I am very resentful.  I am hurt.  I am pissed the EFF off.  I want to run.  I want to hide.  I want to leave.  But, I can't.  I can't leave.  I can't run...and I can't hide.  Addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful.  To anyone that hasn't dealt with it first hand....it will have you dumbfounded every single day.  If you have ever lived with an addict....you know the frustration and intense emotions involved with what happens.  I am here to tell you....it's unreal.  I thought I would leave.  I thought.  I can't.  I know that right now I am here, with him, living in his sickness.  I am here, with him, living in his chaos.  And I know it is my choice.  So you ask....why am I whining about it if you choose this?  I don't have an answer for that.  I am hurting, and contrary to my choices.....I do not like pain.  Especially emotional pain.  I appear rough around the edges...guarded, ready to fight if I have to.  Truth is, I am a worm.  A weakling.  I am not a badass.  In fact, I am the complete opposite.  This is such a lonely place to be.  I wish I had the magic words ....or actions to just make it stop.  But he doesn't want to stop.  He isn't ready, or willing.  2 weeks ago, I had to call the ambulance to come get him, because he took "too many".....Hospital takes him in, and he complains of his "backpain"...guess what....they bought it.  Right before he was released they gave him 2 doses of morphine intravaneously.  REALLY?  I thought I was going to flip my freaking lid.  Nobody knows about what is really going on.  He has prescriptions for it all.

UGH

Today I just want to hide my face and be left alone.  I feel like a cheese grater on the inside!  Sick of it!

Mourning the Loss...

of my marriage.  I have struggled through some really tough months.  I have allowed chaos to enter into my life and pretended that it would eventually go away.  Truth is, it's here, alive and well. 

I have no answers.  I have no way to fix what is broken.  He is unwilling to do much of anything but drink, drug, and drink some more, and he expects me to live in this hell with our children.  He does not understand why I have looked into retaining a lawyer, and I do not understand why he continues to do what he does.  There is help, and he doesn't want it.  He wants to do it his way...and his way hasn't worked at all.  His way has gotten us to this point, and his way has hurt everybody in our home.  I can't be real and honest in any place but here.  I don't really want to talk about it with anyone. 
I want my life back.  That is all I want.  Everyone wants to chalk whats going on around me to postpartum depression!!  HELLO??  If your spouse was drinking, drugging, lying, cheating, stealing...you would be freaking depressed too.  Quit trying to direct attention elsewhere.  DEAL WITH THE REAL FACTS!

Finally a weekend of rest...

Okay, so not really.  But considering the last few weekends, this one has been much more relaxing. I took Friday off of work so I could drive over to McAlester to be with the kiddos, and spend some time with Matti as she was to be on the plane and back to Washington yesterday.  Colin and I woke up early yesterday morning, packed the kids up, and headed our way down to Dallas.  We spent a lot of our afternoon in the airport and off Matti went.  This is always so bittersweet for me.  I know she needs to be home, but I also wish that my home was her home.....  Drove back to Lawton and here we are.  We spent a Saturday night hanging out with the one kid left at home, (the others made plans to stay the night elsewhere) and was in bed by 10 pm!  Now if that is not a change for a Saturday night, I don't know what is.  So it is Sunday morning.  No broken promises today.  No hangovers, No regrets.  I did not stay up so late wondering if I was going to help him in the house from his night of "just having a few".   He has been literally forced to look at his behavior, as I have been forced to look at mine.  I think it has become very clear to him that he is setting himself up for some serious problems.  No drinking, no fighting.  I am not so angry at him that I feel the need to slap him or cuss at him.  I love him.  He nor I, have been the people each other has married, until this week. 
Stress caused some weight loss for me, which is a big no no in the pregnancy world.  I saw my Dr. on Monday and he assured me that if I lost anymore weight by my next visit in a couple of weeks that he would put me in the hospital.  He prescribed me an anti depressant called Deplin, and I have been taking it faithfully.  He also prescribed me Ambien for sleep.  I took it for the first couple of nights to sleep, but the last few nights I have been able to sleep just fine without it.  I don't like taking it, as I do not feel Evyn Rayne playing in my tummy for long periods of time when I take it.  AND....I can say my appetite is back, and it is back with a vengeance.  So I seriously doubt Dr. P is going to hospitalize me the next time I see him.

I refuse to wait for the shoe to drop.  I am aware of my surroundings and what is going on in my life.  We talk non stop about solutions to the problems that we have both been running from.  I feel like we are on the right track.  Fear is an evil and corroding thread, and I am not going to give it the power to destroy me.  I do not believe that he will either.  There is nothing like having to eat some humble pie, take a dose of humility....it does change people.
Keep praying for us.  We can always use them. 

The Good the Bad and the extremely Ugly.

July has been hell month.  Literally.  I can't really explain how the things have taken place, have taken place.  I just know they have, and I sit here baffled and in awe of the extremities in my life.

First and foremost, my husband is my very best friend.  He knows me, and I know him.  We have both struggled with some pretty heavy demons in our past, and this last month some of those demons have seemed to rear their ugly little heads.   Regardless of what has happened, my husband remains my very best friend. 

Pregnancy is not always pretty.  I do not feel like I glow.  In fact, most of the time, I feel like I am about to jump out of my own skin.  Hormones are not something I deal with too well.  Never have.  My moods go from good to bad, fast.  I can one second love you more than life itself and the very next wonder why the hell I have you anywhere near me.  One can say that my poor husband has had to deal with some pretty torrential downpours of anger from me.  Not something I am proud of at all.

This month has brought about a lot of fear and uncertainty.   My husbands job is in question,  I hate my job, we are in the middle of  a garage conversion so we have space for this little baby we have coming, we have been out of town every single weekend but last, we have my daughter from Washington here, which is a whole story in itself, we just have a lot.  I have had audit, quality assurance inspections, HUD paperwork out the butt, among all of the other daily responsibilities I have at work,  bitches for coworkers, and a boss that seems to see me as her scapegoat. 

Neither of us have handled this pressure with any kind of grace.  We have fought, he has drank, I have bitched and hit, and threatened to leave.  He has drank.  With each screwed up irresponsible, out of our mind thing we have done, it has compounded the pressure and the fear by 20.   Sunday things came to a head.  A serious head.  Our kids were watching us fall apart, and we were killing one another with mean words and broken promises.  Always a new resolve, and then off we go again. 

This week has been a week of rebuilding.  Thinking through whats really going on.  Facing the fear instead of running away.  It has been good for our marriage.  I sent the kids to mom in laws on Monday.  They needed a vacation from us, and we needed to get our shit together.  In a month we did more damage to our marriage then we have done over the course of the last five years.  It is unbelievable.  I know God is going to carry us through this.  We have both been praying for his Grace and his Will in our lives.  We just cannot do it anymore.
I really don't know why I posted this.  I needed to write it out maybe.  

A spoonfull of sugar helps the medicine go down....

SO can someone please give me some sugar?  As baseball season is coming to an end, I am still figuring out just what my place is in the household.

Asked the Husband if we could go on a date Friday night for our Anniversary.  He can't.  He has practice with the boys.  (as if the other coach wouldn't be able to handle practice without him there.)

Am I a little pissed?

NOOOO!

I am a LOT pissed.

Had to vent....

These hormones are raging...and so am I.

I am so ready to move into my second trimester of pregnancy.  I am tired of feeling like I could kill someone at any second.....

However, in my defense, its probably not in your best interest to say anything to a pregnant woman that could be insulting...

For Instance:  "Wow!  Girllllll, Your nose is gettin'  soooo big.  You know, like really big girrrl.  You know how you pregnant ladies be and all, they jus get big all over.  Nose and all.  hahahahahaha." (end insult)    -  I mean really?  Did you really just say that?

First of all, if you are a woman who has had children, don't say crap like that to another woman.  I expect to hear something like this out of the mouth of an arrogant man who has no respect for any woman -not another woman who has had children herself.  Secondly, if you think laughing helps,  you are dead wrong!  Your mouth just basically took a shit...in front of everyone. That is no laughing matter.  Thirdly, do you not understand that I can go from smiling to ripping your head off in just a matter of seconds?

Yes, you are seriously lucky I am pregnant.   





 

Hormones are a Bitch!

I am not one of those pregnant women who do pregnancy with such grace and poise that I make being pregnant look like a wonderful occasion.  I don't feel beautiful, and I don't feel like I have a "glow" about me.  In fact, I feel the opposite.  By my 25th week, maybe sooner, I will feel hijacked.  Now, don't get me wrong...I love the fact that I am going to have a baby, and I can hardly contain my excitement about it, but I would rather be pregnant for 4 weeks instead of 40.  Nausea, hunger, weight gain, sore boobs, back, legs and feet aren't really my cup of tea.  Mostly, my unbelievable mood swings aren't my cup of tea either.  I am sometimes shocked at my insane reactions to the smallest of things....and it has me questioning myself and my thinking...and with that questioning, I find my reaction somehow justifiable, which in turn has me questioning my justifications...you get the idea.  It's freakin' crazy!  With that being said, please please please be aware...I am extremely hormonal, emotional and sensitive.  I have the propensity to bite your head off one second, spit it back out, try to put it back on, and hug you as soon as I am done....crying uncontrollably throughout.  Nuff bout that.

This was a justifiable reason to cry today:

Yes, I cried.  My baby girl is growing up so fast.  It's frightening.  I cannot believe that she is at prom right now as I am writing this blog.  I am proud of her....and I think she has herself a good cowboy.  I may be biased but I think she is absolutely gorgeous.

Strange Dreams

Since being pregnant, I have found myself waking up in the middle of the night just drenched in sweat, I have also woken up thinking, WOW!  That was a crazy dream.....

So,  this dream.  Colin and I were on our way to our first appointment with Dr. Zweig, and for some reason when we got taken into the exam room, there was a full size bed that the Dr. and the nurse were  putting sheets on.  They were very pretty sheets, I would say 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton...and I thought to myself, ...how luxurious.  Then the Dr. smelled the sheets, and gave the nurse a look of disgust, as though the sheets were dirty.  Now we all know how dreams go...all of a sudden I had the urge to use the restroom, and Colin walked with me to the closest restaurant with a restroom.  This is where things get weird...  The toilets were in the middle of the restaurant, no walls.  Just free standing toilets, with a curtain hanging from the ceiling that circled around the toilet.  Nobody could see you doing your business, but everybody knew you were in there doing it, separated by a thin piece of fabric hanging from the ceiling. I am pregnant, and I had to pee, so to hell with it!  I peed!  When I was done with my business I decided to peek my head from the curtain to greet all of the patrons of the restaurant.  All of a sudden, I was sitting in a parking lot waiting on Creeds baseball tournament to be over, and stressing out that we left Dr. Zweigs office to use the restroom and now 5 hours later we are at a tournament.  THIS DR. IS GOING TO BE PISSED!!!!!!  


The 7:30 alarm rang for about 5 minutes until I finally asked Colin if he was going to get out of bed.   I went straight to the restroom and realized that my shirt was completely soaked around the collar with sweat.    Glad I didn't pee the bed.

Warm Fuzzies

I was just checking out chalk drawings on Flickr, and I got the warm fuzzies looking at them.  They are all beautiful.  I really wish I was this creative........

My bean.

Went to my first Drs appt. today.  I was right, 6 weeks and 6 days along.  Due date is Nov. 19th.  I go back in two weeks for a sonogram to make sure that the baby has planted itself in my uterus.  Looking forward to more! 

Fridays

I always look forward to Fridays.  Seriously, I love them.  Thanks Friday for coming in my time of need.  It has been a busy and stressful, life changing week.  I needed the assurance that you are here with me today.

Looking forward

To the baby coming.  We kind of figured it up and it looks like I am due Nov. 19th.  This is unofficial as we will not see the dr till Monday, but it is a guesstimation. 

And the journey begins

Found out Friday that we are going to have a baby.  We are terribly excited. 

I keep getting these phonecalls......

Your number keeps showing up on my phone as a  missed call, in the middle of the night.  I don't know why you bother.   I have tried to be your friend Crystal, and you continue to use and manipulate the hell out of me.  It has always been toxic.  It's so weird, because I know some of the best times of my life have been being a girl with you, but some of the most exhausting times of my life has been trying to be your friend and you just sucking the life out of me.  You have too much drama.  You are not authentic.  You always write about evolving....can you tell me when you will finally evolve?  Let it go.  The friendship is over.  I can no longer place myself in that position with you.  My time and energy revolved around whether or not Crystal was going to be okay.  I have children to take care of, so do you.  Take care of them, and maybe you will feel better about you.  

Seriously?

Having a rough time with the 15 year old.  It's not that she is doing anything too seriously bad, it's just that I feel a thousand miles away from her.  I realize she is changing and becoming her own little person with her own beliefs and ideas, I just hate that in that process, she somehow has come to believe that I am stupid and know nothing.  I have been there with my own mother......oh how I wished I would have listened to her.  It would have saved me so much heartache.  

Katie, I hope you know that you are so precious to me.  I miss you everyday.  I hope that you find who you are in this crazy world and in the process, learn that I am not trying to change you, I am just trying to guide you.   You are so beautiful and smart.  I love you.

Here we are...

Today Creed practices for football for the first time in his life!  It's 104 degrees outside so I am not too pleased about having to do this, but he is exstatic, so I guess I will suck it up.  Colin won't be home until after 6pm...we should be done by then.

Colins first football scrimmage went well.  It looks as if the team has improved by leaps and bounds.   I am proud of them.  I am still not looking to be the Coaches Wife of the year....I rather like sitting on the sidelines being nothing more than a fan.  GO BIG BLUE!

NOW- onto OU football.  Two Words.  BOOMER SOONER!   Maybe we can win a National Championship Title this year?  Come on Bob Stoops- lets DO IT!  I am looking forward to watching Sam Bradford work his magic on the field again this year.

Some of the things I like...

Waking up next to my bestfriend, fruit trees wanting nothing more than to give big juicy pieces of fruit,baby stretches and yawns, just one. more. song. , a new day with amazing people, thick corkboardand long pushpins, when red fades to orange, when sleep fades to conscious, people who sing tothemselves whereverthey are and could care less about who is watching, when I just cant help but dance, being found when all you wanted to be was found, crisp air causing my eyes to tear and my nose to tickle, feeling successful without needing pats on the back, gusting winds picking up leaves of all colors, sitting in front of the fireplace and feeling the warmth and hearing the pops of the wood burning,the smell of cedar on quilts that were stored in cedar chests, gutted and rusted old pick up trucks on dirt roads, the way that glitter sticks to skin, visits from ladybugs, the sound a drip coffee maker makes when it is just about done, empty early morning streets saturated with fog, feeling useful and appreciated at work, colorful marbles, when my dogs chase their own tails, a full moon and warm breeze, the clicking of inspired key strokes, the smell of freshly cracked magazine pages,catching people off guard with a smile, getting caught off guard with a kiss by my babies, crooked humor, people who make things, watching friends find success, a new favorite pen, nights when I can see my breath, nights when i can feel his breath on me, people who hold the door open, giant sliding glass doors that glide effortlessly, when tone deaf people sing with no shame, my kids building forts out of blankets and chairs, hearing people smile through the phone, people who sneeze and their souls shake, neon lights reflecting in puddles, storytellers, understanding that everything happens for a reason, things that taste like they smell, gold safety pins, those little plastic grass pieces served with sushi, found photographs that remind you of a life you never had, Japanese gardens complete with blooming cherry blossoms and floating lily pads.The smell of my Grandmother- a mixture of aqua net and avon cold cream, clean sheets right after a nice hot shower, hot summer days sitting in a body of water preferably a lake or an ocean, chocolate covered coffee beans they give you at road side coffee shops, seeing countryside I have never seen, looking at bright stars when you are away from the city lights, laying my face on that pefect spot; on his naked chest, the scent of rain coming and leaving, being in the right place-at the right time, the tops of mountains and the realization that I am small in comparison to the mountain and it's surroundings and the feeling of gratitude that comes with that realization, vintage clothing that looks good on "them".