July has been hell month. Literally. I can't really explain how the things have taken place, have taken place. I just know they have, and I sit here baffled and in awe of the extremities in my life.
First and foremost, my husband is my very best friend. He knows me, and I know him. We have both struggled with some pretty heavy demons in our past, and this last month some of those demons have seemed to rear their ugly little heads. Regardless of what has happened, my husband remains my very best friend.
Pregnancy is not always pretty. I do not feel like I glow. In fact, most of the time, I feel like I am about to jump out of my own skin. Hormones are not something I deal with too well. Never have. My moods go from good to bad, fast. I can one second love you more than life itself and the very next wonder why the hell I have you anywhere near me. One can say that my poor husband has had to deal with some pretty torrential downpours of anger from me. Not something I am proud of at all.
This month has brought about a lot of fear and uncertainty. My husbands job is in question, I hate my job, we are in the middle of a garage conversion so we have space for this little baby we have coming, we have been out of town every single weekend but last, we have my daughter from Washington here, which is a whole story in itself, we just have a lot. I have had audit, quality assurance inspections, HUD paperwork out the butt, among all of the other daily responsibilities I have at work, bitches for coworkers, and a boss that seems to see me as her scapegoat.
Neither of us have handled this pressure with any kind of grace. We have fought, he has drank, I have bitched and hit, and threatened to leave. He has drank. With each screwed up irresponsible, out of our mind thing we have done, it has compounded the pressure and the fear by 20. Sunday things came to a head. A serious head. Our kids were watching us fall apart, and we were killing one another with mean words and broken promises. Always a new resolve, and then off we go again.
This week has been a week of rebuilding. Thinking through whats really going on. Facing the fear instead of running away. It has been good for our marriage. I sent the kids to mom in laws on Monday. They needed a vacation from us, and we needed to get our shit together. In a month we did more damage to our marriage then we have done over the course of the last five years. It is unbelievable. I know God is going to carry us through this. We have both been praying for his Grace and his Will in our lives. We just cannot do it anymore.
I really don't know why I posted this. I needed to write it out maybe.
