UGH

Today I just want to hide my face and be left alone.  I feel like a cheese grater on the inside!  Sick of it!

Mourning the Loss...

of my marriage.  I have struggled through some really tough months.  I have allowed chaos to enter into my life and pretended that it would eventually go away.  Truth is, it's here, alive and well. 

I have no answers.  I have no way to fix what is broken.  He is unwilling to do much of anything but drink, drug, and drink some more, and he expects me to live in this hell with our children.  He does not understand why I have looked into retaining a lawyer, and I do not understand why he continues to do what he does.  There is help, and he doesn't want it.  He wants to do it his way...and his way hasn't worked at all.  His way has gotten us to this point, and his way has hurt everybody in our home.  I can't be real and honest in any place but here.  I don't really want to talk about it with anyone. 
I want my life back.  That is all I want.  Everyone wants to chalk whats going on around me to postpartum depression!!  HELLO??  If your spouse was drinking, drugging, lying, cheating, stealing...you would be freaking depressed too.  Quit trying to direct attention elsewhere.  DEAL WITH THE REAL FACTS!

Finally a weekend of rest...

Okay, so not really.  But considering the last few weekends, this one has been much more relaxing. I took Friday off of work so I could drive over to McAlester to be with the kiddos, and spend some time with Matti as she was to be on the plane and back to Washington yesterday.  Colin and I woke up early yesterday morning, packed the kids up, and headed our way down to Dallas.  We spent a lot of our afternoon in the airport and off Matti went.  This is always so bittersweet for me.  I know she needs to be home, but I also wish that my home was her home.....  Drove back to Lawton and here we are.  We spent a Saturday night hanging out with the one kid left at home, (the others made plans to stay the night elsewhere) and was in bed by 10 pm!  Now if that is not a change for a Saturday night, I don't know what is.  So it is Sunday morning.  No broken promises today.  No hangovers, No regrets.  I did not stay up so late wondering if I was going to help him in the house from his night of "just having a few".   He has been literally forced to look at his behavior, as I have been forced to look at mine.  I think it has become very clear to him that he is setting himself up for some serious problems.  No drinking, no fighting.  I am not so angry at him that I feel the need to slap him or cuss at him.  I love him.  He nor I, have been the people each other has married, until this week. 
Stress caused some weight loss for me, which is a big no no in the pregnancy world.  I saw my Dr. on Monday and he assured me that if I lost anymore weight by my next visit in a couple of weeks that he would put me in the hospital.  He prescribed me an anti depressant called Deplin, and I have been taking it faithfully.  He also prescribed me Ambien for sleep.  I took it for the first couple of nights to sleep, but the last few nights I have been able to sleep just fine without it.  I don't like taking it, as I do not feel Evyn Rayne playing in my tummy for long periods of time when I take it.  AND....I can say my appetite is back, and it is back with a vengeance.  So I seriously doubt Dr. P is going to hospitalize me the next time I see him.

I refuse to wait for the shoe to drop.  I am aware of my surroundings and what is going on in my life.  We talk non stop about solutions to the problems that we have both been running from.  I feel like we are on the right track.  Fear is an evil and corroding thread, and I am not going to give it the power to destroy me.  I do not believe that he will either.  There is nothing like having to eat some humble pie, take a dose of humility....it does change people.
Keep praying for us.  We can always use them. 

The Good the Bad and the extremely Ugly.

July has been hell month.  Literally.  I can't really explain how the things have taken place, have taken place.  I just know they have, and I sit here baffled and in awe of the extremities in my life.

First and foremost, my husband is my very best friend.  He knows me, and I know him.  We have both struggled with some pretty heavy demons in our past, and this last month some of those demons have seemed to rear their ugly little heads.   Regardless of what has happened, my husband remains my very best friend. 

Pregnancy is not always pretty.  I do not feel like I glow.  In fact, most of the time, I feel like I am about to jump out of my own skin.  Hormones are not something I deal with too well.  Never have.  My moods go from good to bad, fast.  I can one second love you more than life itself and the very next wonder why the hell I have you anywhere near me.  One can say that my poor husband has had to deal with some pretty torrential downpours of anger from me.  Not something I am proud of at all.

This month has brought about a lot of fear and uncertainty.   My husbands job is in question,  I hate my job, we are in the middle of  a garage conversion so we have space for this little baby we have coming, we have been out of town every single weekend but last, we have my daughter from Washington here, which is a whole story in itself, we just have a lot.  I have had audit, quality assurance inspections, HUD paperwork out the butt, among all of the other daily responsibilities I have at work,  bitches for coworkers, and a boss that seems to see me as her scapegoat. 

Neither of us have handled this pressure with any kind of grace.  We have fought, he has drank, I have bitched and hit, and threatened to leave.  He has drank.  With each screwed up irresponsible, out of our mind thing we have done, it has compounded the pressure and the fear by 20.   Sunday things came to a head.  A serious head.  Our kids were watching us fall apart, and we were killing one another with mean words and broken promises.  Always a new resolve, and then off we go again. 

This week has been a week of rebuilding.  Thinking through whats really going on.  Facing the fear instead of running away.  It has been good for our marriage.  I sent the kids to mom in laws on Monday.  They needed a vacation from us, and we needed to get our shit together.  In a month we did more damage to our marriage then we have done over the course of the last five years.  It is unbelievable.  I know God is going to carry us through this.  We have both been praying for his Grace and his Will in our lives.  We just cannot do it anymore.
I really don't know why I posted this.  I needed to write it out maybe.  

A spoonfull of sugar helps the medicine go down....

SO can someone please give me some sugar?  As baseball season is coming to an end, I am still figuring out just what my place is in the household.

Asked the Husband if we could go on a date Friday night for our Anniversary.  He can't.  He has practice with the boys.  (as if the other coach wouldn't be able to handle practice without him there.)

Am I a little pissed?

NOOOO!

I am a LOT pissed.

Had to vent....

These hormones are raging...and so am I.

I am so ready to move into my second trimester of pregnancy.  I am tired of feeling like I could kill someone at any second.....

However, in my defense, its probably not in your best interest to say anything to a pregnant woman that could be insulting...

For Instance:  "Wow!  Girllllll, Your nose is gettin'  soooo big.  You know, like really big girrrl.  You know how you pregnant ladies be and all, they jus get big all over.  Nose and all.  hahahahahaha." (end insult)    -  I mean really?  Did you really just say that?

First of all, if you are a woman who has had children, don't say crap like that to another woman.  I expect to hear something like this out of the mouth of an arrogant man who has no respect for any woman -not another woman who has had children herself.  Secondly, if you think laughing helps,  you are dead wrong!  Your mouth just basically took a shit...in front of everyone. That is no laughing matter.  Thirdly, do you not understand that I can go from smiling to ripping your head off in just a matter of seconds?

Yes, you are seriously lucky I am pregnant.   





 

Hormones are a Bitch!

I am not one of those pregnant women who do pregnancy with such grace and poise that I make being pregnant look like a wonderful occasion.  I don't feel beautiful, and I don't feel like I have a "glow" about me.  In fact, I feel the opposite.  By my 25th week, maybe sooner, I will feel hijacked.  Now, don't get me wrong...I love the fact that I am going to have a baby, and I can hardly contain my excitement about it, but I would rather be pregnant for 4 weeks instead of 40.  Nausea, hunger, weight gain, sore boobs, back, legs and feet aren't really my cup of tea.  Mostly, my unbelievable mood swings aren't my cup of tea either.  I am sometimes shocked at my insane reactions to the smallest of things....and it has me questioning myself and my thinking...and with that questioning, I find my reaction somehow justifiable, which in turn has me questioning my justifications...you get the idea.  It's freakin' crazy!  With that being said, please please please be aware...I am extremely hormonal, emotional and sensitive.  I have the propensity to bite your head off one second, spit it back out, try to put it back on, and hug you as soon as I am done....crying uncontrollably throughout.  Nuff bout that.

This was a justifiable reason to cry today:

Yes, I cried.  My baby girl is growing up so fast.  It's frightening.  I cannot believe that she is at prom right now as I am writing this blog.  I am proud of her....and I think she has herself a good cowboy.  I may be biased but I think she is absolutely gorgeous.