Why do I feel like this

I'm in a funk.  In a bad funk.  Pill addiction has emerged since I last blogged.  Not me.  Him.  I am very resentful.  I am hurt.  I am pissed the EFF off.  I want to run.  I want to hide.  I want to leave.  But, I can't.  I can't leave.  I can't run...and I can't hide.  Addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful.  To anyone that hasn't dealt with it first hand....it will have you dumbfounded every single day.  If you have ever lived with an addict....you know the frustration and intense emotions involved with what happens.  I am here to tell you....it's unreal.  I thought I would leave.  I thought.  I can't.  I know that right now I am here, with him, living in his sickness.  I am here, with him, living in his chaos.  And I know it is my choice.  So you ask....why am I whining about it if you choose this?  I don't have an answer for that.  I am hurting, and contrary to my choices.....I do not like pain.  Especially emotional pain.  I appear rough around the edges...guarded, ready to fight if I have to.  Truth is, I am a worm.  A weakling.  I am not a badass.  In fact, I am the complete opposite.  This is such a lonely place to be.  I wish I had the magic words ....or actions to just make it stop.  But he doesn't want to stop.  He isn't ready, or willing.  2 weeks ago, I had to call the ambulance to come get him, because he took "too many".....Hospital takes him in, and he complains of his "backpain"...guess what....they bought it.  Right before he was released they gave him 2 doses of morphine intravaneously.  REALLY?  I thought I was going to flip my freaking lid.  Nobody knows about what is really going on.  He has prescriptions for it all.