I am not a pretty girl- its not what I do.

I made it through today.  Woke up to a text message from his mother that stated something along the lines of my anger, and his addiction.  Both are unacceptable, take care of the kids.  Blah blah blah.  I know that is her son, but do not give me advice when you have heard only one side of the story.....his side.  The side that is protecting his addiction6, the side that is minimizing reality....I cannot even begin to think what he is saying about me to his Mother in order to make himself look like he has no part in the whole equation. 

Today I googled Al-Anon meetings in Duncan.  There are none.  So I googled online Al-Anon meetings and there are several.  I think I am going to try to participate in some of those.  I am also going to make it a habit to go to The Simmons Center and do something rewarding for myself.  I am tired of my focus constantly being on this insanity.  I am as sick as he is, with his sickness.  I have to start taking some action that helps me to stay out of fear, and into faith.  His journey does not have to be mine.  I told myself today that I will no longer ask questions that I don't want the answer to, or that I already know the answer to.  I also told him that I didn't want to hear about his pill usage or his efforts in getting more.  If I see him in withdrawal, I will not help him unless I feel like medical attention is needed.  I just can't do it anymore. 

He has been passed out on the couch since 4pm.  There is a part of me that wants to wake him up and ask what he has taken, there is another part of me that is heartbroken that this is how my marriage is, and then there is a part of me that thinks....it doesn't matter anymore.  I have lost a lot of love and respect over the last year.   It's not that I don't love him, I just don't trust him anymore.  He tells me things I want to hear, and then before I know it, we are right back to where we started.  So I don't believe him anymore. 

Thank you for reading and responding, Amy.  It means a lot to me to hear your words of encouragement.  I have a feeling that the emotional rollercoaster has only just begun.  We'll see.